Uneven Expectations: How Women Shoulder the Weight of Emotional Labor
Emotional labor is the unpaid, unacknowledged emotional work involved in keeping up a household, workplace, and relationships. It includes a wide range of responsibilities, such as:
Offering emotional support to friends, family, and coworkers
Anticipating the needs of others and acting accordingly
Mediating conflicts and smoothing over tensions
Managing household tasks and schedules, often referred to as the “mental load”
Unlike physical labor, emotional labor is often taken for granted. It’s expected but not always acknowledged. When it is done well, it is largely invisible. It also has no concrete beginning and end—emotional labor is continuous. For women especially, this creates a constant burden that can be mentally and emotionally draining.
Why Does Emotional Labor Disproportionately Fall on Women?
Societal Expectations Around Gender Norms
From a young age, girls are socialized to be caretakers, nurturers, and peacemakers. They are taught to be empathetic, to prioritize relationships, and to accommodate others’ feelings (especially men’s). Meanwhile, boys are often encouraged to be assertive, independent, and less emotionally expressive. These early messages shape the way men and women engage in relationships, which reinforces the idea that emotional labor is “women’s work.”
Workplace Inequities
In professional settings, women are often expected to take on roles that require emotional labor, such as mentoring colleagues, mediating team conflicts, or organizing office celebrations. This work is rarely recognized or compensated, yet it’s still crucial to maintaining a positive and productive work environment. Research shows that women who do not perform this kind of emotional labor may be perceived as “cold” or “unapproachable,” while men who do the same are often praised for being emotionally intelligent.
Unequal Distribution in Relationships
In heterosexual relationships, studies have found that women tend to manage the majority of the household’s emotional labor. This includes planning family activities, remembering important dates, keeping up relationships with extended family, and tending to children’s social and emotional needs. Even in relationships where chores are split evenly, the mental load—anticipating needs, delegating tasks, and ensuring everything runs smoothly—often falls disproportionately on women.
How to Create More Balance
Have Open Conversations
Discuss emotional labor openly in relationships and workplaces. Ask: Who is responsible for planning and organizing? Who is expected to be relied on for emotional support? Who remembers important appointments, dates, and birthdays? By having these conversations, it will be easier to identify where imbalances lie.
Share Responsibilities Equally
Emotional labor shouldn’t fall on one person by default. In relationships, partners can make a conscious effort to share responsibilities, from making note of which groceries are running low to offering emotional support when one person is stressed. In the workplace, those in charge should ensure that tasks requiring emotional labor are distributed fairly and recognized as valuable contributions.
Set Boundaries
Women should feel empowered and ready to set boundaries around emotional labor. It’s okay to say no, to delegate tasks, and to expect reciprocity. For example, she can say no to getting gifts for the in-laws’ birthdays this year as a start.
Challenge Gender Norms
Cultural expectations around emotional labor need to shift. This means encouraging emotional intelligence in boys and men, expecting fairness in household and workplace dynamics, and challenging the idea that women are naturally better suited for emotional work.
Getting Help
If you’ve been feeling overwhelmed and burned out after shouldering too much emotional labor, talk to a professional. If you’re struggling on your own, individual therapy can help you understand and unlearn the constant need to emotionally respond to those around you. You’ll also learn to advocate for yourself and set boundaries.
If your relationship has been plagued by an unequal distribution of emotional labor, consider couples therapy. Each partner can unpack their role in the household and make changes to balance expectations. Schedule your appointment today.
